So tell me have you ever had a relationship or been in a conversation with someone where you're just
opening up and you're talking away and you just get the sense this person is genuinely really with you
not just listening to what you're saying but they're actually hearing you they're feeding back and reflect
and what they're hearing you see how they interpret you saying what you're saying and giving you opportunity
to correct them if they're hearing you wrong and they're treating you really respectfully here and having
a conversation with them is just an absolute pleasure.
You're not having to cut in and correct them because they're making assumptions about you and assuming
the worst or assuming this and making a judgment here and thinking this and thinking that and do you
know what I mean.
Have you ever had a conversation with a person where it just feels like a battle.
And what I mean is where you say something and what this other person isn't doing they're not listening
to you they're not hearing they're actually listening more to the voices going on inside of their heads
and then they'll cut you off and the rear they'll react to what they think you're saying rather than
what you're actually seeing.
And then you have to intervene and you have to stop stop stop.
And then you have to try to overpower them and explain to them what you actually meant when he said
that thing and then you enter in this power struggle and a conversation rather than it being a natural
flow has just become a battle where one or two members or two people are actually just fighting to be
heard because no one's actually listening.
All right.
If you've ever experienced anything like that my friend please rest assured you are not alone.
All right.
What I want to share with you in this video is a framework for effective listening.
I've taken this from me here all the dimensions.
I think a few videos earlier Mr. Janet Egan who I had the good fortune of meeting just last year he
got in touch he came across as Scotland and he even created a video course with him on the Skilled helper
which is one of his main books so maybe shit or maybe talk a little bit about later on.
Janet Egan has spent much of his life studying human communications and how to relate in the most effective
ways with other people for the purpose of helping them.
No one Jarrah doesn't always talk about is coaching and a coach in context but he gives reference to
how to helping and as coaches we're ultimately helpers aren't we.
So if we want to help people in the most effective way we've got to be listening actively and ultimately
hearing what they're actually saying.
We've got to be able to hear back here other people better than what we're listening to ourselves.
All right.
Which means we've got to be aware of what is going on inside of our minds so that what's going on inside
of our minds doesn't contradict or get in the way of us maintaining a healthy grounded balanced trust
based relationship.
Because guess what.
The second person feels like we are not listening to them or that we are not hearing them.
They're going to shut down we're going to lose the trust.
They're not going to open up with us and the coaching relationship is realistically going to go no further.
So yeah I'm teaching you some real grass roots basic stuff here and many people will be saying yeah
yeah yeah I've heard all this stuff before.
Well there's one thing hearing this stuff and then it's something else.
Being disciplined enough with in ourselves to practice and master the stuff.
No.
To start with.
All right.
I like to.
I like to frame active listening and hearing as just simply us raising our standards and life because
we're all brought into the world as little bambino as in what happens.
We like to be Herod we like to be seen we like to be the centre of attention and it's growing and much
oration as growing as mature balanced adults as human beings involves us taking our eyes and our focus
off of ourselves so that we can better see and hear and relate to other people.
All right.
There's a word discernment that again I'm gonna unpack and a little bit more depth later in the course
and this is kind of like discernment.
How would I even to fight define this.
That's where we become able to hear where people are by observing them and see where people are right
in life through listening and actually hearing them.
Now I don't know if that made any sense to you I don't even know if I've explained that particularly
well but it's the best way that I know how and whether a person is as actively and actually ready to
to take practical steps towards moving forward in their life or not.
We're never going to know unless we're actively listening and hearing them and paying attention and
looking to identify where they are.
So we must develop our discerning muscles but first and foremost we can develop our discerning muscles
by learning how to listen and actually hear people.
All right.
So this is a framework for effective listening that I've taken from Geraldine's book called The skilled
help I think it was version 8.
I've taken this from six very very simple points.
This might seem overly simplistic all right but have you ever noticed how easily distracted you are
sometimes.
Have you ever stopped yourself in the middle of a conversation and asked yourself the question am I
responding more to what this is the person saying or am I just reacting to what I'm thinking about.
All right because there's a few different levels off a few different ways in which we communicate isn't
there.
So there are many things that get in the way of active listening and learning.
It's important to be aware of these barriers because if we're not aware of these barriers and what we're
unconsciously going to be doing is bringing up barriers in the context of our relationships it doesn't
matter whether we're taking this course for purely relational purposes or because we want to be a better
manager or a better leader or a better influencer or we want to set ourselves up as a functioning life
coach in a professional context someday if we don't allow her to listen and hear people then we're going
to be literally surrounding ourselves with barriers many of which are just bad habits.
So in order to become a more effective listener it's important to understand these six ideas.
Idea Number One is that we have preconceived ideas expectations and personal bias.
Right now this is kind of like the lens that we're looking at life through.
Say for example you are walking through town one day and you go to a cafe and then you're sitting down
with your coffee and a member of the opposite sex comes up and starts speaking to you know this person
just might be really attracted to you or they might be thinking this is a kind of person I would really
just love to engage in conversation with.
But if that's not a cultural thing for you.
Whatever in the world you live or if you've had a bad experience after bad experience after a negative
experience after negative experience of people of the opposite sex in the past then what you're going
to be looking through is this lens of mistrust you're not going to be sure whether you can trust his
person or not.
And guess what then you are going to be put it up.
And as this person comes across and attempts to interact with you.
That's right.
Barriers.
Why.
Because if I could just remind you of one of those and of why I choose earlier on I think I give reference
to the idea that many people expect more often the future and what I've had in the past.
All right so this is one of the barriers that we put up in life and this is one factor i.e. our preconceived
ideas.
In this instance people of the opposite sex of are only after one thing and this is an extreme example
granted but this is where our personal bias comes from which is just literally a blog that prevents
us from connecting with them with you know in a meaningful way with other people.
Now if you think about what it is that we all genuinely want the most in life we want meaningful connection
with other human beings do we.
Does it matter whether this is of the same sex or different sex with our parents with our siblings with
our children we all want to be able to connect meaningfully with other people.
And if you think about you know when if you've ever known anyone who is seriously depressed and then
if you've had a conversation with this person who's seriously depressed and you said to them so tell
me about the quality of your relationships I have never known anyone who is a master and a network of
healthy strong robust relationships to be sad of depressed.
Why.
Because generally the quality of our lives is going to be influenced massively by the quality and the
calibre of the relationships that we keep the quality and the calibre of the relationships that we keep.
Nine times out of ten gonna be determined by how effective we are at listening to and hearing people
think about it.
How much do you like being listened to.
And hopefully being heard is there a difference between being listened to and hurt.
Well I'm going to suggest that massively is give me an example right now.
You're going to be watching this video you're perhaps listening to me.
But are you actually hearing what I'm saying.
Because when we hear people we are actively engaging and the words that are being spoken we are reflecting
upon the words that are being spoken or perhaps even relating to ourselves so that we can empathetically
relate and even try to put ourselves in the shoes of this other person so that we can under stand them
or you can be listening to something passively.
It's kind of like listening doesn't really require too much effort whatsoever.
But to hear someone we've got to be actively engaged we've got to be really applying ourselves here.
Do you see the difference.
We're never going to be actively engaged in a conversation if we're hiding behind the barriers of our
own preconceived ideas our personal expectations and or any biases that we have expectations are mentioned
right back at the start of the course that in life as human beings we are never ever disappointed in
what we actually find in people.
We're only ever disappointed when our expectations aren't or haven't been met.
Think about the last time that someone disappointed you where you genuinely disappointed because of
who this person actually was or were you just disappointed because this person didn't come through for
you in the way that you expected them to today.
And what I say is true isn't it.
So if you want to as a here's just offered you a little golden nugget here.
If you personally want to manage the level of disappointment that you experience in your life then manage
the expectations that you have.
What I person like to do is have no expectations of people.
No I'm not saying that I'm perfect that that's all right because I'm not.
But in the context of my marriage and some of my work in relationships I do my best not to have any
expectations of anyone.
Why.
Because I fundamentally understand that people nine times out of ten if they don't get this well nine
times out of ten respond more to their preconceived ideas their thoughts their opinions their world
views are personal biases and their expectations than reality.
All right.
This is just true for us as a human race.
So as life coaches it's important that we understand this so that we can navigate our way through this.
We can actually hear where people are right.
So idea number two and incidentally build in these ideas into our lives we can just send our heads and
agree with them but that's really not going to enhance or improve the quality of your life is when we
buy into these ideas and embody them actually raise our personal standards and how we're actually going
to be for people is then and only then that we're going to start to see change a car and our own lives
is then and only then that we're going to start hearing people what they're actually saying or what
they're trying to say or what they are desperately attempting to see but sometimes failing miserably
are because they might not have the vocabulary with me.
Sometimes we are more interested in being right than what we are in learning right.
No.
Did you come on this course with any expectations have you come in this course with some preconceived
ideas about what life coaching is and what life coaching isn't.
Because here's the thing.
Even at this stage of section one of the course if I haven't met your expectations or if I'm seeing
life coaching is something that you don't think that it is you're going to be rejected.
What I'm saying right now when I say engage in Ramadi you're a heresy.
You can't say these things I know better because I'm more interested in being right than learning my
friend.
That's just an expression of your pride and your ignorance.
All right.
Openness requires that we are willing to put our own preconceived notions and ideas aside.
Why.
Because we can learn from absolutely everyone and the way that I like to approach my clients when working
in a coaching context is from the perspective of you know what I can learn something from you because
there are six point seven or thereabouts billion people around the world every single one of them with
a completely different perspective.
And guess what we can learn from in life.
That's right.
We can learn from understanding and hearing different people's perspectives as we compare other people's
perspectives to our own.
We learn and generally see things in life that we perhaps might not have seen up until now.
But here's the thing.
Remember a few videos ago I talked about there are no inflexible people just rigid thinkers.
Well that kind of walks hand-in-hand with this.
Think about a conversation you've heard with someone perhaps in the last 12 months where you perhaps
you've said or done something you made a mistake.
You got something wrong for some person and they're now they're judging you they are telling you how
bad you've been.
They've completely dismissed you.
You're getting slandered all this kind of stuff that's extreme or some sort of variation of that experience
anyway and doesn't matter what you say it doesn't matter what you do.
Doesn't matter how much you even try to justify yourself or explain yourself.
This person is more interested in being right naturally and learning understanding you.
Well the question we get to then answer is what sort of standard are we embracing in our own lives in
terms of our own personal relationships the people that we choose to spend our time with.
Because a standard that I've really built into my life just in the last few years is if a person judges
me they will get me.
If a person chooses to judge me over strive to understand me I'll just leave and be with the judgments.
Why.
Because I don't need to be right.
And I also don't need to be understood what's true for me is most likely also true for you.
But when it comes to your life clients come in your life coaching clients coming to you they are going
to want to be understood because they've most likely been on the receiving end of assumptions or judgments
or heart.
And that's going to be some of the reasons why they haven't yet taken action steps towards getting away
from their current reality and towards this ultimate goal with this vision that they have for a bigger
brighter future.
Are you with me.
Everything is completely inter linked.
Life is a fascinating process isn't it.
Saw hobos you right now.
Are you more interested in your perspective being right than in learning understanding some new ideas
or not.
We each get to choose and this is the beauty of life.
So point number three sometimes we listen to people for the purpose of replying instead of listening
to learn and understand.
No conversation that I had I think it was always been five or six years ago with a young man who I used
to invest into and mentor and coach.
It was one of these relationships.
He was kind of like little brother to me just a little bit.
And I think I was good at it.
So I was a trained and PE practitioner a master practitioner and I was already kind of training and
coaching this stuff and this this young man who I'd been coaching decided that he wanted to go and become
an annual PE which is neuro linguistic programming practitioner too.
So what I said I would do.
I said I would accompany him on the course and give me a little bit of moral support and then I could
would be happy to talk through all of the ideas that he was learning so that he could get a grounded
deeper understanding than what I got when I first attended a course like this.
But anyway what we're driving through to Glasgow one morning and we're having a conversation about something
I think it was and I think I was perhaps in the first year of my marriage with car and something like
this we're talking about talking about marriage and I just kind of noticed that I'd get around about
halfway through a sentence and he would interrupt me and say yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah.
And he would agree and he would just literally then build upon what he thought I was saying rather than
complement what I was saying or just simply listen to me or ask questions to better understand after
her and about half an hour I've become really aware of this.
And you know sometimes when we're not aware of what's actually going on we can just get frustrated by
people.
Well no I wasn't just frustrated at him I was frustrated at him but it was a weight of what was going
on.
He was actually listening to reply instead of listening to learn and understand what I said to him Listen
are you in at any point in this conversation just going to listen and even try to understand what I'm
saying because what it seems to me is that you're just listening for the purpose of replying and showing
me that you're listening and then his eyes went up and he looked up and he said oh oh oh I think this
is a bit of a bad habit of mine actually no.
Obviously we had a relationship in place so I was quite direct with him.
But since then you know you've completely transformed.
And what I'm saying is sometimes in a coaching relationship our clients might feel a little bit nervous
a little bit intimidated we might say some things and they'll end up listening nodding their head and
agreeing with us when they don't have the faintest idea of what we're seeing.
What we're talking about or or what we even mean.
So it's important that we bring a little bit of space and silence and avoid into our coaching relationship
for the purpose of just identifying where people are art and whether they're actually listening and
hearing us or whether they're not.
But it's also important that we're aware of how effectively we are listening to and hearing them as
well which is only going to happen when we give people space and time.
So one little factor that comes into play every now and again and it's not like I've really had this
issue before and sometimes a barrier to our listening and hearing effectively is if we find a communicator
attractive or unattractive now right now I know you're thinking Tolkien Ramsay you're a handsome man
of some of you might be saying that some of you may be saying men who'd say cannot understand a word
you're saying you're too Scottish you speak too fast.
I'm totally into trying to discourage people because of my personal biases and prejudices.
My goodness I want my money back and all this kind of stuff and am what I'm saying is if we're not aware
of how it is that a person whom we are communicating with is influencing or impacting us then we can
end up responding more to the impact is going on inside of us than what we can to what is being said
by the person who's communicating with us.
Did you catch that one.
All right.
I'll give you an example of this.
I think around about who.
When was it was around boats will be six or seven years ago.
I'm giving you a lot of examples from six or seven years ago I was working with a working with a young
man and he was around about 18 19 20 years old and he'd say he'd got in touch with me.
Maybe you've done quite well in many areas of his life and he'd kind of left school quite a young age
and got right into marketing and all that kind of stuff.
So he was one of these young guys that made a lot of money quite sort of quickly but he was struggling
with his sexuality.
He didn't know if he was a man.
He didn't know if he was a woman.
He didn't know whether he was attracted to man or woman he wasn't sure whether he was one of those gender
binaries he just didn't know he was.
Has so many questions and what came apparent after roundabout sex session 3 I think it was that this
guy was just being so complimentary off me everything I would say you know I was just just agreeing
and to be honest with you I was really enjoying the relationship was so easy.
All right I wasn't coming up against any resistance I thought my goodness working with you is an absolute
pleasure my man let's just you know have my absolute all and then I started self disclosing a little
bit and share a few stories to share a few examples and all this kind of stuff and then and then I started
noticing that there was a few gestures being made and so on so forth and I'm basically right.
The cultural relationship couldn't go any further because the clients.
All right this guy got a bit of a fancy for me.
No this can work two ways as well.
All right.
And personally for probably roundabouts he has been around about six or seven years no I will not work
with members of the opposite sex.
All right.
Now this isn't a law it's just a personal choice.
Why.
Because there's plenty of guys in the world and I'm also married.
All right.
Which means I don't want to put myself in a situation where I'm having conversations of an intimate
nature with a member of the opposite sex.
And you know what attractions can happen because we're all imperfect human beings so I just want to
put myself and end up in that position where I could lose objectivity.
All right through attraction and bear in mind that can work both ways.
All right.
So it's entirely up to you whether you do this.
But bear in mind my if we find a communicator or a coach or a client or whatever attractive unattractive
this can sometimes really impact our ability to listen and hear where they're coming from.
All right.
It's just something to be aware of.
Having a closed mind do I need to come back to this again is quite a it's quite a quite a simple statement.
Do you have an open mind.
Do you have a closed mind.
Well how would you know.
What is true.
Well look at us all right.
Have you shut down to this course because of something that I said back in video to AM.
Do you not like this course.
Have you just the whole thing is being banned.
Because I'm wearing a white shirt and you were expecting me to wear an orange shirt three yellow one
and think about it.
You know how often do you ask people questions to understand their perspective before you jump to assumptions
and conclusions about them.
How open are you to understanding people.
This is pretty much what having a closed mind is all about being closed to under standing people.
This is a standard I will come on to this very very quickly because there is to be honest with you there's
some certain people that I simply will not work with there's people that I will work with and when I'm
talking about people that I will and work with I'm not talking about a knish.
I'm not talking about an age range not even necessarily talking about gender here even though I've already
said I'll only work with men in a coaching context.
But for anyone who has a closed mind anyone who's not open to our input her ideas or suggestions or
new perspectives there's nothing we can do with them anyway.
All right.
Might as well just you know Gordon speak to a counselor or go and get some healing or something like
that.
So first things first I'm going to suggest to having an open mind is actually a prerequisite as working
with a client anyway.
All right if they don't have an open mind there's nothing that we can do for them we can help them any
way whatsoever.
And the only way we're going to be able to identify whether their mind is open or closed is if we're
listening paying attention and hearing how it is that they're responding to what we're saying as the
relationship evolves and then other external distractions.
No.
As I am standing in front of you right now.
Yeah we're in a video production studio but we've actually got a main roads just around the boats.
However many yards in and direction there's virtually a school I think around about a five minute walk
from us and a road about three minutes ago I was aware of the school bell going in the background.
No.
This gives me an option because I've got this external distraction going on right.
What I could do is I can choose to focus in on that school bell.
Oh my goodness.
That school bell has just completely interrupted me mid floor.
I've lost my attention I can't carry on.
I'm gonna have to start doing this video in this presentation all over again.
Well that would be a reflection of my.
What what would that be a reflection of my ability and my willingness to concentrate and remain focused
on the task at hand.
All right being distracted by external things is actually completely a choice.
And think about it.
If you are really engaged in a conversation and a communication with someone then it shouldn't really
matter what's going on on that on the on the outside of us externally.
Why.
Because our number one priority should be to hear and understand the essence of what this other person
saying because we want to be able to see whether they're open or closed and whether they're listening
to reply instead of listening to learn and understand and we want to be able to identify whether they
are getting a bit of a crush on us and all this kind of stuff as well.
So what I'm saying is there could be external noises and distractions going on all around us when we're
interacting with people.
But it a thing.
We have the ultimate say in whether we choose to remain focused and committed to hearing and understanding
this person or not.
Are you with me.
So this is the main idea is that I want to share with you in this video and what I'm gonna do.
Hopefully if my board works.
Yes it does.
Let's just show you a picture of myself and the G man.
This is Mr. Girardi again.
All right.
I am doing a high five sort of fist pump so I think what I want to do is just put in a few images of
his book.
I'm going gonna recommend this has been a book that you invest into the not the not the cheapest books
to purchase but if you can even buy yourself a secondhand version online the skilled help process is
one that is massively massively impacted my thinking over the year and obviously having a few conversations
with this fantastic man and Mr. Jarrett Egan has really helped me to become grounded in my overall coach
and process so as an investment into yourself I would suggest the skilled helper and reading this man's
works would be a fantastic investment into your future coaching endeavors.
And who knows you might end up doing a high five fist pump with him or me at some point in the future.
You'd never know it because I never expected this day to happen either.
So other than No.
All right.
This is my claim to fame but I'm going to move swiftly on and see you again in the next clip but I hope
you find this video useful.
Just a few ideas to help you become far more grounded within yourself when interacting communicating
with listening to and fundamentally hearing where other people are at.